- It’s our job to help settle individual disputes between various annoyed parties who are at high risk of poking each other into oblivion or something much worse that cannot be spoken of on this page especially if your mental age means that you cannot watch movies like Pirates of the Caribbean.
- We can consider complaints about a wide range of subjects from excessive poking to dealing with those annoying taggers. Each year we deal with half a million enquiries and settle 100,000,000 disputes.
- Don't expect us to be independent or impartial – we're up for sale to the highest bidder.
- We are not a regulator ("watchdog") or a trade body or a consumer champion. Our role is to stick our oar in, play devil's advocate and hopefully finish up with a completely unfair ruling. We believe that it would just be pansy to give both sides a 'fair hearing', I mean where's the fun in that, eh?
- We can often resolve disputes informally, but some cases are more complex and take more time. On average, we settle most disputes within six to nine years. If we are feeling particularly lax...ahem, sorry... if we are particularly busy it could take up to twenty years.
- Facebook users do have to accept any decision we make. We are judge and jury - so there! All decisions are binding both on them and on everyone affected. No seriously now... our decisions are not binding upon any of the parties involved, however, if you choose not to abide by them we will send around the heavies...
- Our service is confidential - we do not publish the names of the complainants whose complaints we handle.... unless they are particularly juicy in which case, we will forward all details to everyone on our friends list.
The unofficial group already has 139 members. (Facebook Ombudsman Service.)